You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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