You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
