Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
