the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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