Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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