It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
