im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
