I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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