and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
