OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
