I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
