Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
