Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
