is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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