i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
