Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
