dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
