She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
