These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
