Everything about him screamed your future.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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