Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
