Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We're like a lot better than the average bears
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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