I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
