she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
