just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
please don't ironically join a cult
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