she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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