Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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