Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
