your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
