I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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