y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
