u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
