It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
