i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
