I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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