I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
