When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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