Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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