How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
