Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
