My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You need a sexual gate keeper
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
