Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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