God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
