just come out here and I will go home with you...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
two words: eviction party
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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