went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
