okay pat passed out under dana's car
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so let's talk penis.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
