Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
