So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
