how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
