we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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