I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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