I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
