i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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