we have officially lost it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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