I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
