It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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