1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
