my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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