my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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