I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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